Jay Monahan (PGA Commisioner)
“Pretending to care about human rights violations as a negotiating tactic was incredibly stressful and I’m glad we can move on to making ungodly sums of money together.”
Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud
“It’s going to be incredibly difficult not stoning harlots for the next few weeks with everyone watching us. We ask the media to respect our privacy during this time as we search for more socially acceptable stoning targets.”
Saudi Arabian Henchman
“Jamal Khashoggi’s dying wish was a lucrative resolution to the LIV/PGA feud.”
Donald Trump
“America got a whole new golf tournament and all it cost us was three manilla envelopes with red letters on them.”
Tiger Woods
“I turned down $800 million from the Saudis just to be owned by them anyway and it’s only like the 5th worst thing that’s happened to me this decade.”
Recently Fired PGA Intern
“To be fair, it’s not a 50/50 split. The PGA will be responsible for 16 holes while Saudi Arabia will be responsible for 9/11.”
John Lindert (PGA President)
“It’s just one of those things that only sounds like a terrible idea that will further destroy the moral fabric of our society and the uniquely American pastime of the PGA, until someone offers to make me obscenely wealthy. Then you start to see that it’s actually fine.”
Lauren Boebert
“Don’t the Saudis play golf on horseback with clubs and a goat carcass? I’m just curious how they’re going to work that in.”
