“Better late than never,” Jonah muttered to himself as he finished an addendum to the viral text thread, appearing to show a list of ransom demands that need to be met to have sex with Jonah Hill. “I feel like I’m not asking that much here, considering what she’s getting in return,” said the Superbad actor as he gestured down his amoeba-like frame. “My therapist told me very explicitly that it is a human rights violation punishable by up to 7 thousand years in prison to make me feel slightly uncomfortable for any amount of time. So how can I be the bad guy for helping her out?”
The messages caused a rift on social media between people who believe Jonah’s only demands of a girlfriend would be that she doesn’t audibly gag when he kisses her and those who think women are property. No middle ground was reached as of the completion of this article.
Later, after sending his ex the new rule, “Don’t reveal to the entire world that I’m a possessive, insecure little man. This rule is retroactive.” Jonah got upset about the clear violation of his totally normal boundaries and scheduled an emergency session with his therapist to limit any further harm her selfish actions may cause
